Miss Fidditch Ponders

Written by Scarabus

 

A newspaper story Miss Fidditch happens across:

 

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Miss Fidditch checks her dictionary to make sure she isn’t mistaken:

 

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She wonders whether there’s a more positive explanation than that these people should return to high school and take her course in English grammar and usage:

 

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Teaser for curious trivia fans:

Ingornant 2

Micro Penis Syndrome

Written by Scarabus

 

From this morning’s email:

The following ad showed up in this morning’s email. Whenever something like this appears, I pause and reflect for a moment before reacting: Is it a for-real ad? Or is it one of my digitally adept friends yanking my chain  to see if he or she can get my head to explode?

 

Micro 1

 

Guaranteed Results

What exactly do they guarantee? How would you document your claim?

63%

Rule #1 for using fake statistics: Odd numbers seem more authentic to readers. Create the impression that you’re being very precise and conscientious.

small penis syndrome

Wow! I don’t know what that means, but it sounds “officially medical.” I’m not weird or strange. Lots of other men must have the same problem as I. There’s comfort in numbers.

perform at your best

Yes! It’s not about losing self-consciousness and becoming one with my lover. It’s about being on stage, all alone. Everyone will be judging my performance – including my lover and, most cruel and demanding of all, I myself.

micro penis syndrome

Just as I feared. The judges haven’t just assessed my performance. They gotten their heads together and determined that my failure wasn’t due only to my ineptitude in using my equipment, but also to the equipment itself. I don’t just have a small penis; I have a microscopically small penis.

My only hope is to…

buy and use entire boxcar loads of Vydox. After all, I don’t intend to settle for a “Tie Fighter” tool. I’m going for a “Death Star,” world-destroying “Intimidator.”

 

Classical before after

 

 

coyote

Written by Scarabus

 

Coyote

 

Good thing for this coyote that it’s just an animal and not an unarmed black human male. Otherwise the it would be dead, and a police spokesperson would be telling us about how the varmint had reached toward its belt in such a way as to make the police officers who participated in the shooting fear for their lives.

“What’s that? ‘Coyotes don’t wear belts,’ you say?” 

“Good point! Shows how wise these officers were to shoot the beast preemptively. A belt was definitely found lying near the creature’s corpse on a recently swept stretch of sidewalk. That this animal was advanced enough to wear a belt, let alone conceal a handgun there, demonstrates how truly dangerous it was.”

Gort, the cosmic policeman, returns!

Written by Scarabus

 

To get this, you sorta need to know at least the major characters and a very brief plot summary of the movie titled The Day the Earth Stood Still.

It was remade, I know, but the only version I know is the one dated 1951.

This modification assumes that humans have continued their selfishness, aggression, and eagerness to deploy nuclear weapons, disease, or poison. Gort has been sent to destroy our planet.

The ship’s crew sees that humans have already destroyed themselves by altering the climate and pursuing continuous war and religion-based hatred and violence. (I borrowed a Babble Fish from Arthur Dent so I could understand what Gort and the crew mmbers were saying.)

 

Gort 3

Current Events: Calbuco’s Volcano Explodes

Written by Scarabus

 

The Eagle and the Pussy-Cat

By Edward Lear

I
The Eagle and the Pussy-cat went to sea
   In a beautiful pea-green boat,
They took some honey, and plenty of money,
   Wrapped up in a five-pound note.
The Eagle looked up to the stars above,
   And sang to a small guitar,
“O lovely Pussy! O Pussy, my love,
    What a beautiful Pussy you are,
         You are,
         You are!
What a beautiful Pussy you are!”

II
Pussy said to the Eagle, “You elegant fEagle!
   How charmingly sweet you sing!
O let us be married! too long we have tarried:
   But what shall we do for a ring?”
They sailed away, for a year and a day,
   To the land where the Bong-Tree grows
And there in a wood a Piggy-wig stood
   With a ring at the end of his nose,
             His nose,
             His nose,
   With a ring at the end of his nose.

III
“Dear Pig, are you willing to sell for one shilling
   Your ring?” Said the Piggy, “I will.”
So they took it away, and were married next day
   By the Turkey who lives on the hill.
They dined on mince, and slices of quince,
   Which they ate with a runcible spoon;   
And hand in hand, on the edge of the sand,
   They danced by the light of the moon,
             The moon,
             The moon,
They danced by the light of the moon.
 
 
[Apologies to Mr. Lear for having changed his owl into an eagle.]
 
 
Dingus 262c

Who’s responsible for our having such ignorant men and women in office?

Written by Scarabus

 

What follows is a letter published Monday in our local newspaper. Because the editor wants letters to be relatively short, I couldn’t develop my argument. To make up for that, I’ll be returning to the topic in the days ahead.

We have numerous excellent elected officials in this nation. Unfortunately we also have a growing number of truly ignorant men and women joining and in some cases supplanting them. That’s not a petty swipe at those who happen to disagree with me politically. No, I’m serious. I’m referring to those who are totally clueless about the most basic elements of science, history, geography, civics, etc.

 

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Examples? Sen. James Inhofe, who on Feb. 26 held up a snowball on the Senate floor and claimed it disproved the global warming “hoax.” (Look up the difference between weather and climate, sir.) Rep. Jim Bridenstein, who said, “Just because the Supreme Court rules on something doesn’t necessarily mean that that’s constitutional.” (That’s exactly what it means, sir.)

 

Jim bridenstine2

 

Remember, no tests of mental soundness, intelligence, knowledge, or competence are required of those aspiring to public office. Before counseling clients on a law, an attorney must pass a rigorous bar exam. To pass that law requires no exam or training whatsoever. Ever think about that?

 

Book 03a

 

In last year’s election only a third of eligible voters cast a ballot. Theater critic George Jean Nathan once said that “Bad officials are the ones elected by good citizens who do not vote.” Those good citizens of Nathan’s have been “electing” a worrisome number of truly dubious candidates lately!

Voter apathy combined with voter suppression have indeed taken their toll. But while that has reduced the turnout, the fact remains that those who do vote have been casting their ballots for a growing number of truly ignorant and unqualified candidates. That’s worse than embarrassing. It’s truly dangerous.

One can chuckle at the ignorance of the law shown above by Rep. Bridenstein. But one must shiver in terror at the ignorance of Iranian history, U.S. government, international protocol, and nuclear issues shown by freshman Senator Tom Cotton in that letter he wrote to Iran’s leaders. Fortunately the Iranians were sophisticated enough to respond only by correcting the senator’s misunderstanding of the way his own country’s government works.

So what can we do about it? Famously, President Truman had a sign on his desk saying, “The Buck Stops Here.” We voters should wear that slogan on a headband, printed in reverse, so that every time we look in a mirror, we’re reminded of our responsibility. That responsibility is to learn what’s required for effective citizenship (which won’t happen if we rely only on myths and partisan sources), and then to insist that our political candidates know as much and more.

Apologies for having missed a week of posting.

Written by Scarabus

 

Kowtow2

“I kowtow. I grovel. Undeserving though I am, I humbly beg for your pardon.”

nature vs. nurture

Written by Scarabus

 

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